Welcome back to another episode of School Story. Today we are doing a book study. Dive into the book How to Know a Person by David Brooks. We’re going to look at the book and see how we can apply it to schools.
So the book is an in-depth discussion and it explores how our modern individualistic culture, how we’ve lost the art of truly knowing and understanding and connecting with other people. What’s really interesting is he looks into the philosophy, also the psychology, and some of his own life experiences to try and illustrate how we can cultivate deeper bonds beyond just level relationships.
As I go through it, I’m just going to do a brief summary of it. My top takeaways, I call it the 5-3-1. So my five top takeaways, my three favorite quotes, and one thing that you can do to help implement something from the book today tomorrow whenever you’re in your school building next so let’s jump in.
The book i loved i give it two thumbs way up it was a book that i had a hard time putting down and it’s covered in highlights and notes and my little doodles as i as i read through it what he does is he looks at the problem basically of how our own hyper individualistic, our culture has deteriorated, how it’s made it difficult. And we see it a lot in our schools for someone to really intimately get to know somebody else and really see them for truly who they are.
He talks about how we lack our deep, meaningful bonds. And instead, we’re almost always looking out for number one, which prevents us from really getting to know or really opening ourselves up to somebody else. And he says, because of this, there’s a lot of despair and isolation that’s happening. And I know we see that. He proposes basically that in order…To overcome that, we need to really learn the lost art if you want to call it that of really getting to know someone soul on soul or soul to soul as he calls it.
They look at he looks at different philosophical traditions schools of thoughts modern psychology to demonstrate the principles and tools for combating loneliness really by fostering mutual understanding which is another thing we’ve definitely lost he defines knowing somebody so when you when you say oh i know them um he doesn’t mean that just as super official facts right as the surface information about him but really reaching in to their essence of understanding their their inner motivations seeing their their dignity and recognizing their potential to grow.
To do it, it does require vulnerability, humility, and presence, which we know isn’t easy. And what’s interesting is he differentiates the difference between our outer self and he calls it our outer resume self which i thought was very appropriate you know the resume is the pretty paper we put together to show everybody who we are as or the values that we bring um but instead what is that inner self what is that inner voice talking you know what is our deepest values he suggests that when we concentrate on the inner part and or the inner part of somebody else and we’re asking better questions and we’re listening without judgment to connect to that deeper layer when that happens that intimacy that connection happens when you are having those level of conversations when you’re sharing expressions or experiences and and you’re expressing that affection that cultivates knowing someone on a much deeper level because truly knowing others we can discover meaning and transcend our isolated selves.
For teachers educators these insights can really profoundly shape the way we relate to students not only to students but maybe to teachers and the community members stakeholders everyone that comes across our way.
So let me give you the five, three, one.
So my five top takeaways, how to know a person:
- Ask thoughtful, open-ended questions. Those questions are gonna reveal the motivations. He suggests asking what and why is what he thinks are important. He also mentions that by asking the one why, you get to know the people’s dreams, their longing, their purpose, what really excites them. This is gonna draw him out more than a fact-based question. He also talks about listening intently. without interrupting and which is really hard to do
- Give people generous space to share freely don’t impose your own biases
- Notice people’s talents first plus second which isn’t always easy see people in their best light and recognize their dignity
- Do activities together. Don’t just talk. When you have shared experiences, games, challenges, rituals, that builds the bond. And by building the bond, you really get to know somebody.
- Have the courage to share yourself vulnerably. You can’t expect intimacy from others without extending some yourself. And it’s not comfortable.
My three favorite quotes:
- If you want to know me, don’t ask me where I’m from. what i yearn for get at purposes not just facts it’s easy to ask where you’re from but what is someone’s deepest yearnings what are they really wanting
- A person is a process always roaming unfinished and open-ended people change think back five or ten years and how different you are Try to avoid pigeonholing someone into a specific category, stereotype, whatever.
- Each person you know contains a world of inner richness waiting to be discovered. Just assume there’s depth in everybody. And that will make you want to seek that depth to get to know that and really get to know them.
So my implementations…Normally, I do one. I struggle to just do one. So I’m giving you a secret. I’m giving you three.
- In class, have students pair up, interview each other about their dreams, interests, and values, and have them introduce their partner to the class. That builds empathy.
- When you talk to a student, listen without interrupting. Don’t jump in with advice. Let them share freely.
- Organize a bonding activity like cooking, sport, crafts. Shared experiences unites people. So figure out how you can do that within your building, within your classroom.
So in conclusion, those are my big takeaways, my 5-3-1 on how to foster human connection from David Brooks’ book, Tongue Twister, How to Know a Person. I hope these things will inspire you to have more intimate, vulnerable conversations and really seek to understand the inner lives of your students and your teachers. When we honor that complexity, the dignity in each person, it helps create an environment in the school where everyone can feel seen.
So join us next time. Good day.